Ridiculous Requests
by Rennes
Summary: Drabble-like: Mika's thoughts on her brother and her relationship with Tohma.


I had learned ever since childhood not to expect much as long as Eiri was around.

What can I say? He was—is—the best. He is the best looking; talented, tragic…the only thing that could make him more appealing to others at this point would be if he died prematurely.

I believe that my first awareness of this superiority came somewhere around the age of eleven. He was only five then, but he was reading at an avid pace, absorbing information with apparent ease and excellence.

So my brother was quite smart. He had to have some compensation being the second son. Big deal.

Eiri never showed signs of jealous behavior, or an invisibility complex, so common in middle children, however. But then again, he didn't have to. Our parents doted upon him, teachers complemented him and other kids were attracted to him.

Whether people realize it or not, they are subconsciously drawn to beauty. Eiri always found that people would oblige him for this reason.

While our father definitely didn't approve of the road that Eiri started following later in his life, he had still loved Eiri best when we were children. "A little prodigy", he would say. Of course it bothered me because was that so much to ask? That my father might love me as much as he loved Eiri? But I gave up on that. It did not take me too long to get over it. About two weeks maybe. Although I can't really judge. Who knows? I could be one of those kids who suffers into adulthood from childhood relationships without realizing it. Wow, that sounds really stupid.

Then came the teachers, the publishers, the producers…countless people not directly blood related to us and who didn't know us, but favored Eiri all the same. The day Eiri got his first publishing deal I remember well. I met the lady he had written to later; a young blond woman who quite literally got hearts in her eyes whenever she looked at my brother. I remember that well. I wasn't resentful of his success—I knew he had earned it—but I resented how easily it would have fallen into his lap even if he were a horrible writer. It maybe took me a few months to get over that.

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I met Tohma. He cared for our family when we were in New York, particularly doing his best to assure that the children were comfortable, which was strange because he was a child himself. Although he was kind to me, it was pretty evident, to me at least, that the interest he took in Eiri was beyond platonic. My brother is the most charming, handsome bastard there is. It's not his fault people fall for him so easily. But that doesn't make it any easier to accept.

I don't know what the hell Tohma meant by proposing to me when he loved Eiri. I mean, I'm pretty sure that he had no feelings for me and I know damn well for a fact that I was no consolation to him after a period of lost love. Whatever. I had no sympathies for the pain he had endured. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who so meticulously sets up dangerous circumstances like that deserves to get hurt.

But was it too much to ask of him, that, as a man marrying into a family, he might love his wife more than his brother-in-law? Apparently.

Though in a way, I almost think I'm being too harsh, because I know he _does_ love me, only not like he should.

I was actually quite fond of Tohma at first, maybe even loved him. But over the years as I got to know him, especially after we got married, that feeling deprecated to the point where I actually kind of hate him now. I never talk to him if I can help it. Only if it is absolutely necessary, and often it isn't. We don't spend much time together. He can go to the office, conquer his clients, do what he likes. I'll do my part quietly. I'm fed up with trying to chase him around and make him understand. If he wants to know, he can figure it out himself. Of course though, he won't ever want to know.

We probably have the most awkward husband and wife relationship ever. It is formal, distant…just totally and completely anemic. Like two ghosts trying to love each other. He belongs to Eiri and I...well I don't know since no one has ever really loved me...I guess I just belong to myself.

I became more quiet and aloof as a result, preferring to lose myself in the shrinking number of things that interested me rather than face my unsatisfactory family. Really, in some ways Tohma was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I should have married someone who would draw me out of my shell, not drive me deeper into it.

The funny thing is, I'm not a vengeful person. I'm really not. I don't want to hurt Tohma. Although that may not be because of mercy, but rather because I know it would not satisfy me. Actually, to be honest, I've never understood how it could make anyone happy to chase after someone who hurt them and hurt them in return. I'm not like Eiri; I can't just get some blood on my hands to wipe clean a stain someone has put on my heart. I've never for the life of me understood how anyone could operate that way. What I would want, ideally, would be to go back over what happened with the person who hurt me.

Show them why they were wrong.

No, merely killing Tohma would definitely not satisfy me, and I acknowledge that fact. Sometimes I wonder if that's the only reason I haven't.

I even considered divorcing him, earlier on, before deciding that it wasn't worth it for the trouble it would cost. I mean, it's not like married life with him is horrible or anything. Superficially, it's actually very comfortable. And why disturb a so carefully constructed equilibrium just because my husband doesn't love me? Exactly.

I'm not saying that our marriage is some sort of complete failure and it's all his fault or anything. I'm not saying that we would make an excellently superb couple.

But I think he could have given me even half a chance. He didn't really try to love me. He's so used to loving Eiri that he can't see anything else.

Yes, I feel kind of sorry for him in a way. Why? Because he's set his sights on something that probably won't even make him happy. He has happiness delivered to his by the cupfuls, buckets, waterfalls. And he just throws it all away. He chooses the hopeless pursuit. So yeah, I do pity him.

I've been brooding on it for too long to be thinking rationally. Tell me. Am I wrong? Should I just shut up since after all, I _am_ married to him and wanting undivided love is unrealistic? Is it selfish of me to want Tohma to love me more than Eiri?

And yet...…it's all very paradoxical, because if my husband is someone who will forever chase the affections of Eiri, then he is a fool. And I wouldn't want someone that stupid to love me anyway.

I don't doubt that the tables all might turn yet. Maybe one day he will come looking for me.

…..I just doubt that I will still be there.


End file.
